Sometimes I don’t have it figured out. I look back on life and wish I could change the steps I took. Not because they took me through the swamp. But because they were sometimes running steps, sometimes scared steps, sometimes much too sure, much too soft, much too lost. 

I used to think it would all be open & clear, all jotted down on a sheet of paper. I thought I’d laugh as I watched others trip up on themselves. But I’m tripping up as much as anyone. It’s a shot in a dark sometimes. It’s a trembling step of faith sometimes. It’s me so disappointed with every itch of emotion, so desperate for sure-footing that I have no option other than blatant Godlessness but to fall to my knees and pray faulty prayers.

I’ve learned I never was supposed to have it figured it out. I was never supposed to have a script. I was never supposed to know it all. My God wants me to cry before Him, tremble before His throne of majesty and beg His goodness for direction. 

In the dark void, I look to Him.

Sometimes.